Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Meltdowns and such

Yesterday, I picked up Molly's ashes from VHUP. It was so strange. I took my friend Julie and we walked up after lunch. I made lots of small talk as I walked in and tried not to think about what I was doing. I signed a piece of paper and they retrieved the box from the CLOSET behind the front desk at the business office. Condolences were offered. I walked back to work.

An hour later I lost it. It was like she had died all over again. I was inconsolable, crying like a mad woman, hiding in my office. I started to question the decision I made to end her suffering (and mine). Did I do the right thing? I mean, should I have used my vacation money I had tried to hard to save, to try hard to save Molly? Am I so selfish for choosing not to do this? My heart was aching. Somehow, I made it home. I was greeted by Gussy and Maggie. Maggie licked my tears again. We went for a walk, snuggled. Thank god I have them; they are the best caregivers I could have.

So, Molly came home yesterday too. She is on the piano---she always loved to pee underneath the piano. I'm planning on burying her at the Joy House, near the fountain, which she also loved. But, I'm not sure when I'll be ready to do that...I'm certainly not ready for the finality right now.

Also making me cry, the Phillies. YOU SUCK! It is time to fire the manager.

I started a new knitting project: I find that my grief has been quite conducive to knitting. I'm working on Maude, a Courtney Kelly Designs/Smith Island Pattern Factory pattern. I LOVE IT. Wendy told me in October when she was making it that it was "such a relaxing pattern to knit." I'd never really been able to think of a pattern that way; but now I know what she is talking about. Anyway, it is gorgeous in Koigu (yum) and I'm anticipating finishing it in a couple of weeks. Photos to follow.

Speaking of koigu, look what I did:

I think this is all of the koigu I've purchased since January. I THINK. TWENTY FOUR SKEINS! Wendy asked me if I was still planning on making a b-line to the koigu at sheep and wool. My answer was, HELL YES! I LOVE IT! Isn't it Yummy?!?!

Maude is being made in the turquise multi in the back. Next to that is the yarn for my drop stitch shawl. The olive solid is going to be "Ene" from scarf style, which Wendy also just made in a delicious plum color...and the pink...well I'm not sure yet. A shawl most likely....

Oh, and I discovered something that Maggie likes to eat, OTHER than yarn:

PEEPS!!!!! That is a little bunny peep hanging out of her mouth!!

That's the update...let the healing continue.


Lisa said...

Knitty Delicious.....

I think you made the right decision.....after all.....you did NOT decide based on money alone. You decided based on the amount of suffering you didn't want to put her through.

Any animal lover would be facing the same questions you're dealing with now. After all, they are our kids.

HOWEVER, you have to remember what you, yourself, would tell a friend who was in your shoes......then you know you made the right decision.

You did it to relieve pain......something that we do with much compassion in our hearts.

Be glad that you were able to be with her when she crossed the bridge.....and thankfully you weren't away on your vacation.....

You gave her a wonderful life when you adopted her.....remember that most importantly....

...signed: a faithful reader...

Donna said...

Don't second guess your decision. I think you know deep down inside that it was the right thing to do. You could have spent all the money in the world on her and she may have lived a bit longer, but what would the quality of life have been? You were lucky to have each other - hold on to the wonderful memories and know that the pain does lessen in time.

Big hugs to you((((())))))

JoAnn, Wynnewood said...

It was so great meeting you today. Who'da thunk it - at Wynnewood Borders. Your scarf was great and I enjoyed discussing stash, etc.
As far as putting the pup to sleep. Been there and done it. You would never, ever want your baby to suffer. And, unfortunately, even with a world-class facility like Penn Vet, it does come down to facts. If there's nothing they can do and its costing you your saving - then you have to do what you have to do. When I put Ziggy to sleep, after months of subcutanious IVs I almost couldn't breathe. But, you have the other two babies who love you and will be a great comfort. As I said before, think of the good times, the unconditional kisses and love, and laugh when you think of her. They are irreplacable but there are others to love.
Again, I really enjoyed talking to you. I just had to laugh on the way home - I met two celebrities today!!! I hope to see you again soon and may be Phils win one for you.

Anonymous said...

You made the right decision. You gave all that you could to help. Even if you spent your vacation money, it would of just prolonged the suffering.

You deserve to have some great memories with your mother and sister in Ireland. You've always given to others -- I just hope that you can finally give to yourself.

Take care of yourself and Best Wishes!

Kat said...

I am shedding tears with you for your loss of your family member. Do not second guess the decision you made to free Maggie from this veil of tears. I wish I was closer, I'd bring a bottle of wine over and listen to "Maggie" stories for as long as you wanted to share. Hugs from a faithful blog reader... and the Koigu is gorgeous, btw!

Elysbeth said...

Oh honey, we always second guess the big decisions. Hugs. I agree with Lisa, you didn't decide based on $$, you decided based on the love in your heart that couldn't let her suffer.

And Maggie with the peeps is too cute.

Kim said...

This is the first time I've come across your blog and I'm so sorry to hear abut your Molly. I'm glad you have your other beagles to keep you company during this time. I have two basset hounds and they are the sweetest, most loving dogs. It's always nice to come across another knitting dog-lover.